2 something a.m. and I find myself wide awake.
Not worried. Not anxious. Not fretting. Just awake.
I have a series of emails and messages that essentially ask the same thing. “How are you doing? What are you doing? When are you coming back to ______?”
I look at my shelves and closets and realize I’ve been systematically reducing and organizing for over a year.
What’s up with all of this? The benefit of being up at 2 a.m. is that there’s a clarity of thought without the distractions of the day and I recognize these are all symptoms of transition. My phases are changing.
When I was younger, I know I didn’t understand phases. I either had some hope / thought that things wouldn’t change or thought things changed when I was ready for them to change. That I could plan and organize and pick a convenient time for change. Yep, go ahead and laugh.
I now recognize that there are phases of life, cycles if you will. Sometimes cycles and phases within cycles and phases. And that change happens within us and in the background as we go about life. And then, seemingly without warning because we’ve not been paying attention to the signs, change bursts out into our lives. And we think, hmmm, things are different. Way different.
So what’s a person to do in the transition of phases and cycles? Trying to go back to an old phase is impossible – like trying to get the toothpaste back in the tube! Ain’t gonna happen. And I can see so little of the future that planning isn’t the slightest bit effective.
What seems to be working for me is to just ‘be’. Enjoy the moments. Create, savor beauty. Don’t try to fill every space. Watch for where my energy ebbs and flows around people or activities. Hold things loosely.
And when all else fails, relax and drink coffee at 2 a.m.